(To be read with attitude colonial)

When leaving Heathrow it was foggy. Not enough to delay the flight but enough to remind Sensible of an old attitude. This. now developing as the new one, being illustrated by the headliner “Europe isolated from UK”.

He was leaving for Beijing. (Peking for the pre-Raphaelites), where he was to meet his friend, Lo. They had met in University and maintained their friendship ever since.

Lo had similar feelings of pride for kith, kin and country as Smith and found Smith’s jocular and adversarial style of conversation intriguing. Their ensuing repartee gave Lo a chance to develop one of his own; outshining Smith’s and thus scoring many a point against his friend in their battle of one-upmanship.

Lo, his friendship with Smith having given him a good grounding, was succeeding as a diplomat and had been appointed ambassador to Iran. He was to call in to his counterparts in Japan and then the U.S on the way to his new posting.
On exiting the arrivals lounge Smith saw the welcoming placard, “SMITH ESQ”.

It might be thought by casual observer that Chinese politness was at its usual best. Smith however knew quite well that, never losing a chance to gain a brownie point, Lo had been unable to resist referring to his friend’s status as failed M P candidate.

Smith, having finally convinced the driver that he, rather than Mr ESQ, was the expected pick up, was driven to Lo’s hotel vowing to get honours even.

When referring to the hotel as Lo’s it should not be thought that Lo owned same. It could easily be assumed so since his government had reserved the whole first floor. The left hand side being for Lo and guests.

The “unrooming” of some British service engineers in the process had ensured protestations of the distinctly undiplomatic kind.

Forceful and explicit though these were, the “Brits” had been housed in the floor above Lo’s , rather than prison or expulsion, entirely due to his friends enduring knowledge of the vernacular and considerable influence with the authorities.
Thinking, that his domestic government would have had a more even handed approach in the first place, and distracted by the noise of raucous celebration above, he had wandered down the hall, passing five doors, before realising he had just passed the door of Lo’s room bearing sign “Ambassador Lo”.

The door was opened by a man in the usual dark suit with Lo in deep conversation on the phone at the end of the short hall.

Smith was a little distracted by the ornate decoration of door and room and was dreaming up a telling comment on this ostentation when he thought he heard Lo say that America had gone west. Hoping to regain some points he intimated that, whilst agreeing that the US had suffered some sort of economic downturn, cowboys being limited to the English building and motor repair trades, such comments were not suited to a genuine diplomatic ambassador.Lo in answer explained that Smith had misheard. He was referring to “going to the West”, namely America, Europe, etc and claimed one more point to his tally due to Smith’s “undiplomatic” error.

Smith, ignoring this rather thin explanation and hoping to still regain some brownie points, resorted to humour to recover the situation, remarking that if his friend were going to the west to reach the U.S that would make Europe and the UK the Far East. Whilst England might compromise to gain position he couldn’t see the French doing it. Far more accurate, he said, that Lo, insisting his country *be in central position”, should make the US the Far East. Further, (Smith then got in his punch line), he felt, that in either designated direction, his friend, as ambassador to the Middle East, would, very quickly, be out of his depth.

Lo was ordering room service at the time so Smith was unable to be certain his friends simulated laughter was due to his humour immediately, but, as their conversation over the resultant wine and dinner progressed, it was obvious it had.
Lo riposted he would resolve either situation by taking several deep breathes before entering.

Always difficult to get past Lo’s inscrutability sighed.

SmithClues for the ultimate crossword are:-

What is Lo’s room number?

This story was written prior and during the election following the departure of P.M. Blair to his oil wells.  It endeavours to encompass the enormous amount of QOOp, fed to Smith, the characters delivering it, and the event itself.

”      

It was a good day for Sensible Smith. His wife who suffered from Alzheimer’s had had a good night although she had used all except one of the allocation of free napkins and he must remember to pick up the repeat prescription from the chemist on his way home.

Smith usually took a circular route to collect his state pension from the council offices. The faster route took him past some tower blocks and gangs of youths. None of whom had ever threatened him but he always took the less threatening, longer route home via the leafy suburbs once the pension was collected. It was also true that even today the light breeze was inevitably whipped up into fierce gusts as he passed the blocks and his thin coat was not quite protective enough. For the first time Smith was to convert some of his pension to Euros at the currency exchange within the council office.

Smith was only of average intelligence and fearful of errors, on the increasingly complicated income tax forms, he had sensibly invested his army pension into the mandatory annuity and the rest in premium bonds. This month he had won his first prize in ten years .The £250 had allowed him to book a cabin on the overnight ferry to Holland. It was one of their past favourite trips and while his wife still retained a thread of continuity in their conversations he knew this would be their last chance to jointly appreciate the bulb fields. There was also the unspoken thought of euthanasia. As a religious man with views strengthened by experiences suffered during his active service he refused to discuss this with her when she raised it with him but it was a problem to be wrestled with and kept surfacing in his mind…

As he neared the council offices sensible saw his fellow tribesman Sam laying in his usual position in the foyer, near the outlet air duct but still positioned such that council customers or more accurately his “marks” had to deviate or step over him. It had irritated Smith when in the past Sam had been supported by large bales of straw that had originally been installed in the R.H .corner. These had eventually been eaten by a passing animal from the market however leaving a few strands and seeds scurrying in the said corner under the notice board.  

Sensible’s reasoning told him that he had a perfect right to step over Sam to collect what was his, and this obstinacy refused to allow him to deviate, so he did step over. In fact he felt no guilt about this since over the years he had developed the habit of dropping Sam a £5 pound on the way out. He justified his “unreasonable” behaviour by arguing that it wasn’t Sam’s fault that he was born lazy or unlucky and he himself had the right to be charitable. They always exchanged greetings or even discussed events in their shared homeland since by now a friendly relationship existed. Today however it was different.

 As he stepped over Sam, receiving the usual ribald remark relating to parentage and monetary care, he sensed a shadowy presence in the opposing corner of the entrance porch. The hairs stood up on his neck as a shudder went through his body. He had hurried through the revolving door before he reasoned that he was being silly and it was probably a sudden gust of wind that had caused it all. Any way he collected his pension entitlement, generous state benefit, or whatever the ministry of spin was now calling it, converted the majority into euros and headed back out intending to check the corner and arrive at his usual reasonable conclusion. As he stepped out of the revolving door it happened…

A three-headed monster walked out from the left hand corner!!..

As Smith was to recount afterwards, time and time again, to the boredom of his listeners, the monster exuded an air of normality; of expecting to be perceived as being perfectly acceptable to Sensible Smith. It wasn’t: For a start there was the tail with what looked like a particularly sharp stinger. The middle head definitely there but fading from view its face blurred and changing always pleasing to the eye but alternately wearing bowler or beret. The head to the left was formidable faded as for the centre one but pugilistic with a conically shaped hat that looked as if it would be terrible weapon when used in a head down charge. The one on right however was different.

My god thought Sensible I am actually accepting this apparition as real. It’s less faded than the others and although it fluctuates from a secondary image this was far more faded than the others. He was now beginning to view the primary image dressed in a brown suit as dependable, unlikely to attack, for some reason an old music hall monologue relating to footwear came to mind and reassured him.

Sensible objective view to this unreality abruptly disappeared. The right hand secondary image solidified. Its trunk now encased in striped pullover, its avaricious face masked, it leaped forward and seized smiths notes. Thankful that something else hadn’t been seized, Sensible tried to defuse the situation. “I think I ought to warn you …”

Interrupting Sensible the monster shoved its face ever closer to Smiths. “You are despicable, claiming benefit and having wealth like this “. As the monster pointed at the roll of notes it loosened its grip and a strong gust of wind swept the notes away. This was what sensible had been warning.  It had happened to him before; however he was prepared and managed to catch one of the notes as it passed. Immediately the monster snatched it from Smith. “You have a greater need” it said; handing it to Sam with a pleasing and charitable face.

Having no remaining interest in the situation Smith sensibly legged it as fast as arthritis would allow.  Once clear of the shadows of the imposing building and foyer fear left him. I suppose it’s only reasonable he rationalized; after all people are worse off than me and I can cash some of my bonds. His respect for Sam went up a notch as the monster received, a perfectly justified, verbal blast. He had to agree.

Sam had no earthly use for a five euro note.

“”

Ernest puzzlers committed to enter the hall on the right should not be too disappointed by the lack of anything of note. After all the notice board might make interesting reading and the only thing in the centre is a revolving door.

 Clues for the ultimate crossword are:-

a) What is Smith’s primary concern as he walks home ?

b) What is the right hand apparition’s main preoccupation as it waits in the corner?

c) What is the name of smith’s ancestor’s tribal leader who sold him into slavery in days gone by?

d) Which national connotation relating to the bloodstain on the stinger is of the most long-term importance whilst owning the utmost respect to the others?

  “